you just won’t believe

…i am having some very strong urge to do another IVF.  ack!  not sure what to do with all of this.  i mean, we can do it…we have the insurance coverage…  but but but 

HELP!

Change of Scenery

So K plays the saxophone…and decided to take lessons in NYC on 2 Saturdays every month. At first I was a bit irked by this because it bites into our free day…but I’ve since come around on the idea.  His lessons are at 5pm and so it’s turning out to be great fun. He gets his lesson, I went and got a haircut from my beloved Tim who I have not been to in 2 years (sob, sob) and then we met up with friends for dinner. I think this is going to be a lot of fun…a reason and excuse to try new restaurants and see more friends. Sometimes getting into and out of the city feels like such an ordeal that it is easy to avoid it on the weekends and so we stay out here in the suburban wasteland eating lame food. I’m already planning on where we can go next time.

Finally, FINALLY it stopped raining and dropped below 60degreesF.  It’s been so warm and muggy that a new crop of bugs has hatched…like mosquitos and shit. It’s so gross. Anyway, now we are back to crisp cool weather and I’m delighted. At least it is seasonally appropriate now. We have one last leaf pick up to be done and then we can button up shop til the spring.

So my Dad. Sigh. My Dad.  He is still at the rehab and making the tiniest of improvements with his legs. His mind is still very confused. I’ve got a crush on his next door roomate, an old Irish guy that is a big talker. I’m not holding out a lot of hope that Dad is ever going to be able to come home again. The thing is, he cannot stay at the nursing home he is at currently– it is $9500 per month. Yes, it is and unfortunately that is normal for around here. They have no money saved for this sort of thing so we are trying to get him into the Veterans Nursing Home which is not nearly as nice as this place but is a fraction of the cost. The thing is there is going to be a gap between when he has to leave this rehab and go to Vets and we aren’t sure where he’s going in the interim. Cripes.

I’m off. I think I am going to hit Costco this morning and see if I can’t find me a sewing machine or someother crafty thing. Then I have to walk the mutts before they climb the walls, making me crazy!!!

Oh, alright then!

Sometimes I need to be hit over the head apparently.

So…I collect myself after that last beotch of a post, decide my finger is not broken and go out to the mailbox. There is a little brown box waiting for me. I’m all huh??? What’s this???

The box is filled with my Aging in Place business cards….out of the blue. I was expecting them to arrive from the printer next week or the following and there they were.

Yes, sometimes I need a literal sign. And other times a small box of business cards will do.

FB poisoning

I was kind of enjoying this whole facebook thing and suddenly it is making me very sad. Seeing all of these friends from grade school, college, post college….all of their pictures of their shiny, happy familes, children and babies just coming out of the woodwork. Tons of babies everywhere. Every stinking one of them has many, many children. I just don’t get it.

It seems that if one is not going to have babies because they are unable or unwilling (and I guess I fit into both of those categories) one should have another PURPOSE.  SOME SORT OF PURPOSE. Something that will make sense of one’s life. So that when it all ends I wasn’t just a big waste of oxygen. I feel forgotten and God help me I don’t want to sound like the evil Sarah Palin, but I just want to see an open door, even a door that is only open a tiny crack and I want to feel some sense about things. That there was some purpose to this. I feel so completely like my potential is totally untapped. I’m pissed off and I’m sad and oh so very lost feeling. Does that come across at all?

The dog accidentally kind of bit me when I went to throw his ball, more like he jumped up to get the ball and my finger went into his big yap. I held it together long enough to get in the house so the neighbors don’t call the padded wagon but that let the dam loose.

I cannot believe this is where I am at. Still on the outside of things. I am always on the outside.

M.O.

note to self:  get a job and get it quickly before you lose your mind. then write bazillion posts complaining about said job.  then lament about all these “care free” days.

there. that sounds about right.

Hope Springs Eternal

Somewhere inside this tower of negativity must be a wellspring of blind optimism. Why else would I tear the carpet out of the guest room only to be shocked at how horrendous the wood floor is underneath? Hmmm…100 year old house, old gross carpet from previous owner that was not replaced before sale of house….why on earth would I think that there would be a gleaming wood floor underneath?

So now that I’ve destroyed the aforementioned carpet I am forced to get someone to refinish the floor. Rox? you busy next week? Haha, just kidding. And heck, the other little bedrooms too while we’re at it. Thing is I got a quote that seemed very low to me and I fear the guys is a shyster who will rip up my floor with his sander and then get me with a big bill to replace the floors. I’m so suspicious. I would do it myself but I know that I am not careful or skilled enough to do a good job.

Oy. Who gives a shit? I mean really.

Anyway. I am struggling with my career. It seems I don’t want to do anything. Nothing is appealing to me and staying at home being the janitor isn’t that appealing either. I noticed that I now have pretty much nothing to talk about when K gets home….  I mean, I could regale him with tales of sweeping out the garage but somehow it isn’t cutting it for me. And I found that I am super grumpy towards him too! Like, I’m pissed that he’s been out having a normal day interacting with PEOPLE and I’m here and increasingly resembling a bulldog. It’s crazy.  I feel like I am atrophyhing before my very eyes. 

I am also having difficulty of letting go of my pre-election addictions like MSNBC.  I am still watching it and it is soooo stinking boring. Holy shit.

So…we’re our new couple friends for lunch on Sunday and we are making Emeril’s Calypso Pork Pie with Plaintain Lattice………I highly recommend this recipe, it’s easy and delicious!!!! Just have to buy the plaintains ahead of time so that they’re black by the time you’re ready to use them. Seriously, this is top 10 in yumminess factor.

Just hoping it cools off (high 60’s today) so I can make a fire in the fireplace! Now we’re talkin’.

Cheers.

I’ve Still Got it Baby!

Despite feeling like a total doofus at a bar in my Cleopatra outfit I managed to win sexiest costume. Look out bitches and back the hell away from Mark Anthony.  K wore a very fancy, realistic looking Roman emperor costume, complete with a gold wreath crown.  I will admit that the level of panty-throwing by the women at the bar, combined with his drunken flirtatiousness was really pissing me off ok, making me extremely jealous.  There was a band of Teletubbies that were practically molesting him. Never underestimate how symbols of power make chics swoon. It’s really retarded. I sat at the bar with a puss on my face and still managed to win! Take that TinkieFuckingWinkie.

We are driving a stoopidly long distance today to go to a bulldog meetup down at the beach.  And then a repeat performance this evening at my ex-client’s costume party.  I really loathe Halloween and hate dressing up no matter how incredibly sexy I am.  haha!  It’s such a joke. Sexy? Here’s what a total dork I am– there is a handsome cashier at Costco who flirted very directly with me and I nearly dropped two dozen eggs on the floor. I had no idea what he was doing and then when it occured to me that he was flirting with me I turned bright red and turned into a complete spaz. I ran out of there as fast I could and now totally avoid going on his line.  I really need to plug back into my inner goddess–cuz she has been locked up in a crypt for a very long time. I will try again tonight.

Monday

Yah I have a recommendation to make, don’t bother trying to be all tough and do the stuff that men are supposed to be doing– like taking air conditioners out of the windows, air conditioners that weigh at least half of one’s own body weight.  Now I have sciatica-type shooting pains. The kind that take your breath away. Sweet. One more unneeded excuse to not exercise.

So we had a solid weekend.  K worked late on Friday night so I met my sis at the Rehab place to visit my Dad.  It was nice visiting with her (and him) but she figured out just the night before that her husband cheated on her and was taking the route of a typical 8 year old….lying, dodging, lame attempts at cover ups. I feel horrible for her but they are also in a bad financial way so she is feeling like she cannot dump him at this moment.  I think she is going to let it slide.  I don’t see her doing much else.  It’s so sad really. He is a troubled, deeply flawed man and she deserves better.

Saturday it rained like a son of a gun so we went to Costco to build up a pantry of food. Gulp. It was a pricey endeavor. But we are set with some basic staples and I am setting up metal shelving in the basement to hold it all. We don’t really have room in the kitchen which is why I only have bought from the local grocery store– thus paying astronomical prices.  Sat night we went to hear an Irish rock band… one we’ve seen many times before, but they were at the top of their game so it was extra fun.

Sunday was gorgeous so we walked the pooches, planted the tulip bulbs and bearded Iris bulbs that have been in our basement for 2 years. Then we went off to a motorcycle classic….and had fun drinking beer, looking at bikes, etc.

Now? Yah, still have the shooting pains and have to get the 70lb bulldog in the car to get stitches out in his side….  it was a minor bump on his side which is now gone but having to get him in and out of the SUV 4 times is NOT something I am looking forward too.  Oy.

Carry on peeps.

my boo

So…K thinks I’m pretty well whacked regarding the dogs. Hey, it’s obviously true.  I’m super active on an English Bulldog web forum and in general I treat them like children.  You don’t need to be Freud to figure this one out.

So next week I’ll be gone for two days for my design-for-the-elderly classes and I asked K to try not to work late so that he can attend to the puppies. I told him how he would need to pay special attention to Freida since she’s been so sick.  He agreed. I told him that I got a “Baby Bjorn” for her…and cut two extra holes for her legs and he would need to wear her around the house so that she feels warm, comforted, etc. For a moment I could see the hesitation in his eyes and his wheels spinning…….”omfg my wife has gone from whacked to certifiable and there is no way i am wearing a bulldog around the house”………  to his relief i was kidding.

but come on…if you had to wear a bulldog you couldn’t ask for a cuter one.

Finally Feelin’ Better